Gaslight
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Gatekeep
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Girlboss
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Gaslight • Gatekeep • Girlboss •
Day 15 - Changing Seasons
Looking at this now it feels kind of boring but this morning, the excitement to wear jeans and a sweater was REAL.
October 16th, 2024
The weather dropped a cool 23 degrees from yesterday to today. I can’t even remember the last day we had that wasn’t in the 90s so it was quite shocking to go outside to the gym and finally feel the chill of FALL. Perspective is everything; in Seattle, we’d get excited for a 72 degree day to wear shorts but now in Austin, that same temperature calls for jeans and boots!
The changing of seasons is always reason for celebrations and the change in weather couldn’t have represented the change in my spirits any better, but for sadness rather than joy.
Today marks 2 months without a job which is the longest I’ve gone without employment since I was 14??? I had all the confidence in the world that I’d have a new job right away but I underestimated the current job market. This morning I had 4 lifelines and possible options but I received a call that I wasn’t going to move forward to the final round with one company. Even though I wasn’t going to take the job due to it not really aligning with what I want to do long term and where I want to (physically) be, it was a blow to the ego. I’m still in the interview process with 2 other places and the 3rd place might fall off the radar since the recruiter left the company and I have no other contact information to reach someone else. All of a sudden I’m anxious and am constantly refreshing my email to see if there is any word regarding the status of my other options. It’s not a great feeling.
I’m simply grateful to be here and have the time, space, and resources to be selective about my next move. It’s tough but no pity parties over here! Today was a good reminder that things can drastically change from one day to the next. We must keep our heads high, a smile on our face, and a cute jacket to layer on.
Great things are coming!
Day 14 - Stop trying to fit into a mold
I love this skirt so much and have gotten so much use out of it. I'm a maxi girly rather than a mini one.
October 14th, 2024
Coming off of ACL W2 and feeling a little rough. It was almost 100 degrees all weekend and my feet are still swollen from all the walking. I think I’m officially too old for a 3-day festival. Quite impressed with my family who came down for it and handled the heat so gracefully! I did a little bit of closet cleanout since I wanted my mom to take back some stuff for her friend and her 19 year old daughter who moved to Washington from Nicaragua 6 months ago. I was going through all this stuff that I never wear and saw that I’ve bought multiple colors of the same style of some items and it got me thinking about the constant bombarding of trends and cute looks to try this season.
I’ve never been a mini skirt girly yet I found that I have quite a few in my closet that I unsurprisingly never wear. I have my J.Crew skirt that’s long enough for work is fabulous and I do wear a couple times a year, my Abercrombie linen wrap skort I’m still debating about whether it’s cute or not, and my black faux suede hoochie skirt from Forever 21 that I’ve had since freshman year of college. Other than that, I never reach for any of the other ones. Why did I feel the need to buy blue AND black denim skirts last fall when it was trendy? I tried them on and hated how they looked on me. Some might say it could be a quality issue which I could maybe slightly agree with. These are mostly cheaply made skirts so they aren’t the most flattering. So then how come I’ve worn more than twice a month the cheetah print skirt you see here that I got from Shein for $7 years ago? (I no longer shop there so please don’t come for me we’ve all been there)
Accepting that mini skirts aren’t something I look or feel great in is much harder than it seems. Whether it’s a need for validation or to assimilate into the larger group of beautiful trendy women in society, wanting to fit in is normal. Fitting into the mold is the norm and it’s fine to want to fit into the trendy thing! I jumped on the vests train so fast and it actually turns out I LOVE the way a vest fits. I ordered 3 this afternoon. You can bet I will be parting ways with those little skirts and being mindful about my purchases in the future to decide whether it truly reflects what I want and what I feel the best in.
I love shopping and clothes and shoes and accessories and putting things together. I also care about the planet and overconsumption and my wallet. Next time you have something in your cart, take a moment to pause and ask yourself whether you truly want the item or whether some external force is making want to fit into the mold of being a person who would buy and wear the item. They are 2 very different people, choose wisely.
Day 13 - Eat, Pray, Love (Work Version)
I've had this incredible top for months and finally wore it for the first time. Wear your cute things and stop saving them for the perfect occasion!
October 7th, 2024
I cannot believe it’s been 3 whole freaking months since I’ve mustered up the courage to get back on here. Boy, what a wild 3 months it has been.
Let’s start with a quick rundown of what I’ve been up to: had the worst rest of the trip in Seattle, GOT LAID OFF, cut my hair real short, went to Jackson Hole with a dear friend, grandma died, went BACK to Seattle for a much needed redemption trip, booked a last minute trip to central Europe, and began the job hunt. It’s been a flurry and I kept meaning to share everything through here or my (not so) new Instagram page! But I kept telling myself that I don’t know what I would post or that I don’t even know how to make a reel so who would even pay attention since the algorithm would not be in my favor. Excuses, excuses, and more excuses.
Why are we like this? Why am I like this? I’ve procrastinated my entire life. How come I can’t get myself to change or approach the problem differently? There is fascinating literature and research regarding this behavior us humans have. I’m sick of it. I’m going for it. I’ll write, I’ll post dumb carousels, and watch a YouTube video on how to make a freaking reel. I’m tired of thinking and not doing. I will build, grow, fail, rebuild, hit a wall, create, probably flop, and keep doing it until it becomes miserable.
When I was in Budapest at the end of September, I watched Eat, Pray, Love for the first time. It resonated with me deeply but instead of facing the same problems Liz faced with her love life, I’m facing them with my career. Every other aspect of my life runs smoothly except for my fruitless devotion to a job that doesn’t serve me. Although I’m not quite sure the European approach to work would suit me either, I’m being so incredibly thoughtful and careful with the next step in my career. What I had been doing in the past hadn’t been working and was driving me crazy! I miss having hobbies and logging off at 5:30pm. I look forward to entrenching myself in run clubs, swing dance syndicates, books, learning languages, and digitalizing my closet. Even though I’m nearing a dreadful mark of 2 months been unemployed (and have my severance run out), I’m looking at this as an opportunity rather than a step backward. And I’m pretty fucking excited.
Day 12 - Practicing Drowning
Even if everything is falling apart, the outfit can still dazzle
July 7th, 2024
I have a horrible fear of drowning. I believe it started when I was 8 or 9 and was learning how to wakeboard which required starting off from an innertube floating in the water that I somehow got stuck on underneath. It’s one of the reasons why I have immense respect for the ocean and why I have deliberately never been on a cruise. Perhaps that’s also due to the countless movies about cruise ships sinking but I digress.
It feels as though an eternity has passed since the last time I sat down and had time to myself to write or simply exist. Between a work trip to LA, a mold infestation in my apartment, my CPA exam, traveling to Seattle, and being heads down for Q2 financial closing of the books at work, today feels like the first breath I’ve been able to take in 3 weeks. Part of me is angry that I agree to put myself through so many of these stressful situations by saying yes to trips and meetings with friends and family. Part of me is frustrated that I’m unable to balance it all gracefully. Part of me is exhausted. Yet part of me does feel grateful to have the means and the time to even attempt to juggle everything. The added ocean of stress has been justified in my mind due to me getting ahead of things so future me doesn’t have to worry as much. I’m holding my breath and doing the mental strengthening to be better and get through each one of these tough days and weeks as practice for…what exactly?
A while back I had written on my stream-of-thoughts-and-ideas notes page that getting through the tough times is like practicing holding your breath underwater. You practice and practice in hopes of getting better but at what point are you merely drowning yourself?
What’s my end goal? More money? More time? More freedom? I thought it was more happiness. For now, I’ll keep practicing but I’ll make sure to take longer breaths in between. And perhaps get a life jacket.
Day 11 - The Reinvigorating Power of Female Friendships
Velvet in the summer? Someone call Vogue.
June 17th, 2024
The guilt of not spending every waking moment studying has been eating me up. My exam is in one week and the panic and nerves are at an all time high. So you can imagine how having THREE separate social outings in 2 days has caused a full-blown spiral. Although, plot-twist, it did not actually have that effect.
Curiously enough, I feel a renewed sense of energy and motivation that is so much more potent than any jug of nitro cold-brew I can get my hands on. It’s amazing how spending time with people, women in particular, who you care about and admire can ignite a little part of you that is often dimmed. Whether it’s due to work, kids, pets, family, drama, we are constantly exhausted and in need of me-time. And for many, moments alone are hard to come by. For a little context, I live with my boyfriend and have never lived alone so I’ve sort of had a crutch the entire time that I’m now learning I can walk without. Moving countries and cities forces you to put in extra effort in seeking out friendships outside of familial and romantic ones but since you’ve already accumulated some from the forced 3rd spaces (school, work) you’ve been in, do you even need to try? I’ve picked up and dropped off a number of friends during my time here but the friends I’ve held on to have one thing in common: after every interaction with them, I feel energized.
I get home from a walk with a friend and I’m inspired to start a business. I come back from dinner and I’m beaming with price hearing about someone’s new bigger and better job, the packed travel plans for the year, the hilarious anecdotes of new romantic ventures, the excitement of becoming a pet owner. It gave me the courage to finally share this with someone and hope to keep sharing it with hundreds more. It reminded me that I’ll still be loved and cared for regardless of score on my test. It helped me realize that there are things more important than memorizing liquidity formulas.
Find your people, spend time with them. This isn’t a groundbreaking take, but rather a gentle reminder of the great little moments that can propel you through the tough times or simply the I’m-running-on-5-hours-of-sleep-and-haven’t-washed-my-hair-in-a-week-I-just-need-a-hug times. Make more of them.
And please get some sleep.
Day 10 - Own Your Choices
Walking home in black jeans is not the move btw
June 3rd, 2024
I’ve had this belt for almost 8 months and this is the first time I’m wearing it. Feeling inadequate to wear something comes in many forms such as not being skinny enough to fit in it or look good in it, not being curvy enough, not being edgy enough, not being polished or hip enough, not being country enough. These stories we tell ourselves of our worth are silly since truly the only person that is worried about is you.
One of the constant reminders I flash in my mind is that no one is paying attention to me. I have mentioned I’m quite cynical and pessimistic haven’t I? In this case, it’s true. We are all so occupied by our worry of how people may perceive us that we have no time to look up and perceive others! A lot of us spend the majority of our lives curating this persona that will be revered by others rather than showcasing how our true selves.
Not to get too woo-woo but there was a turning point that came with an unexpected moment of peace when I started liking myself. I’m proud of who I am and how I carry myself and I can choose to wear a green belt if I want to. It’s especially important to stand by your decisions in the tough days. If you can’t be your number one cheerleader, why should anyone else pick that up for you? Bet on yourself, take the leap, post the photo, ask for the raise. Own those choices.
Day 9 - Mission Statement
A flipped image! Now you can enjoy the words on my t-shirts
May 31th, 2024
Do you have a personal or family mission statement? I was pondering that this morning and as much as I would like mine to be “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss” I want to make sure my spin on it is a little less toxic.
As this blog gets built, my lane should become readily apparent but for now it’s still a bit murky. I’ve mentioned my intention for starting this includes spending less money on clothing, learning to shop my own closet to get creative, reducing my alcohol intake, prioritizing my health, studying for my CPA exam, and create a manageable and sustainable closet by leveraging data analytics. That’s a tall order for 90 days while working full-time as an accountant at a tech company.
I think a lot of women feel the constant pressures and demands society and ourselves have put on us. I must be a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, employee, cook, house cleaner, athlete, therapist, and financial advisor. Most days, this feels daunting and frankly impossible. By focusing on the things I can control I can unload a lot of this worry and expectation. And what I can control is how I dress. And maybe I’m alone in this, but how I dress greatly impacts how I feel.
So to me, fashion means confidence. It means expressing myself. It means making smart financial decisions by investing in pieces that I love and will last. It means opting for a mocktail at happy hour so I don’t feel bad about myself when I put on jeans and my belly is bloated from the alcohol. It means waking up clear-minded and ready to tackle the day. It means being extra excited to put on my matching workout set for my Barry’s class. It means spending time and energy building something that will help me and thousands of other women be happier with themselves. It means to disrupt the conversation, dazzle with my outfit, and dominate the space. Now that, I can behind.
Day 8 - Pivot!
A moment for the pom-pom earrings
May 30th, 2024
While learning all about the incredibly complex and fascinating IRC Tax Code during my short stint as a tax accountant, my friends would ask me about all the loopholes they could take advantage of in order to reduce their tax bill come April. Sadly, I had to repeatedly inform them that there weren’t any for them. Lucky for me, I will take advantage of a loophole I unknowingly left in my original contract to myself. I stated this was a 90 day commitment but never specified that they had to be consecutive.
Perhaps I could’ve been a tax accountant/lawyer. Never too late! Just kidding, as enthralling as the tax code is, I think I rather write about my outfit choices and share my plethora of feelings and problems on the internet.
I’ve been doing a lot of research on the topic of entrepreneurship and building something out of silly things like blogs. When you work for yourself through free lancing or launching a business, adapting is crucial. Is what you’re creating in demand for the public? Do you need to switch up pricing? Are the services offered too niche? Rather than giving up when things aren’t working and starting from scratch (like I normally do), finding a new path or purpose is essential. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel, just try something else.
I often get frustrated standing in my closet pondering what to wear since I feel that I have nothing that sparks joy or looks good on me yet I wonder how it’s possible that purchasing all of these items gave me a dopamine hit like no other. What I hope to take away from this exercise is to learn to do more with what I already have. For the sake of my wallet, my well being, the planet, and the lack of creativity in my life. Today, I repurposed one of my “sleeping shirts” from the local Tex-Mex joint. If she can pivot from sleep-wear to office-wear, so can I.
Day 7 - Actually, just ditch Perfection
Cowboy grunge
May 26th, 2024
Welp, I broke 2 of my rules I had set out to maintain for 90 days. During the 3rd annual Slam Portal Wrestling Match (you read that right), I walked past the merch stand and didn’t think twice about my $15 purchase of this t-shirt since I paid in cash and cash isn’t really real money?! I also did not complete my 10k steps for the day. Even though I feel a bit embarrassed by the fact that I failed so early on, I challenge myself to reframe the thought.
If you’ve been in fitness for a while, you will have heard of the 75 Hard Challenge. This year it seems to have blown-up and become trendy given that Gen Z is more interested in health and wellness and reducing their alcohol intake. I have tried and failed to complete this challenge about 8 times before this year. The inspiration for the 90 day commitment actually came from 75 Hard. I consider myself a pretty black-and-white person since I have no middle ground. I am either all-in or not at all. These challenges that specify a difficult routine to sustain long-term for a short period of time are quite common. Whole30, Dry January, No-Shave November; you name it!
I want to view this through the lens that I haven’t been giving it the all-in attitude I see myself in and I actually celebrate this. I do have a middle ground. I can be mediocre. I can plan and put in effort but ultimately cannot control every situation all the time. And rather than wiping the slate clean, I’ll keep going. This is ultimately for me, I can make it whatever I want it to be.
And on that note, I’ve decided to actually publish these thoughts rather than waiting on them to be perfectly curated and sit in the sidelines forever.
Day 6 - Staying Positive
It took almost 2 years to finally break these boots in.
May 25th, 2024
One of the great and beautiful things about life is that it’s seldom static. If you have a bad day, week, month, year, heck even decade, it usually changes. Today may be hard but what if tomorrow is easy-peasy? I often wonder whether I make life harder for myself. I wonder whether I live in the future too much and think I am too busy to enjoy the present. Austin is at its core, a college town. When I look a lot of the young (-er, I just turned 27 for crying out loud) people I encounter all the time, the thought that I didn’t enjoy the carefree years keeps appearing. Constantly concerned about getting to the next stage in life, I think I may have forgotten to enjoy the one I was currently on.
Is it so outlandish to want to be far away from the sort of nights that debilitate you for the full next day? I don’t think I’ve ever met an interesting person that spent their weekends screaming over the music at a crowded bar. I enjoy hearing about what books people are reading, the new hobby they absolutely suck at now, the last time they were on a roller coaster. Although I don’t discourage the drinking, not taking part feels alienating in a way that makes me feel so small I could be swept away at any second, like the crumbs from your 3AM Domino’s order.
Positivity is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. The glass HAS to be half-empty. Maybe it’s time I find a way to fill it.
Day 5 - The Super Casual
I’m a Levi’s fanatic, you can’t go wrong with a pair of 501 shorts.
May 24th, 2024
The Texas heat has arrived and comfort sometimes trumps style. Add a couple of fun accessories like the iconic Buc-ees trucker hat and a cute yellow shoulder bag and off you go. My mom and her husband came to visit this weekend and even though it’s their 3rd time here, it’s amazing how much there is to do and explore. Austin comes alive like no other place I’ve been to. I’m sitting in bed with a belly full of BBQ and tired feet from walking all over the city today. I cannot take for granted how lucky I am to have an involved family.
I’m curious how this will go on the weekends since I’m off my typical schedule but I can’t find out until I try! One of the other commitments of these 90 days is to abstain from shopping and I received a couple packages today which made me reflect on how the shopping has become a crutch and a “hobby” that I want to address in depth. A main motivator for starting this was to showcase the fun and creativity of shopping your closet, reducing your spending in order to reach financial goals, and putting a stop to this consumerism hamster wheel we all seem to be on.
I’ll take it one day at a time and am simply proud of myself for making it one more day without placing an online order. But I will be purchasing more BBQ tomorrow.
Day 4 - What is the Narrative of the Outfit?
Channeling hot sunny days spent lounging at the pool or beach.
May 23rd, 2024
When I’m constructing my outfit the night before work or the morning of, I always ask myself how I want to feel wearing the outfit. Do I want to feel powerful and in command of room for a big meeting I’m leading? Do I want to feel edgy and stand out to show my individuality? Do I want to feel relaxed and comfortable to quickly change out of sweaty clothes after a walk to Barre class in 100 degree heat?
No matter the setting, I create a narrative about who the person is that’s wearing the clothes I put on. Think of them as characters or alternate versions of myself that I can swap out in different situations. Corporate me wouldn’t thrive in a blazer and heels at a two-step bar. On the flip side, boho me probably should stay on the meditation pillow rather than attending my annual review with my manager. Dressing according to the situation can be a way to boost your confidence and adapt to your environment. A sort of fashion/situation chameleon. Who is this person? What do they like to do on the weekends? Would they prefer waffles or pancakes? Being intentional about the choices I make with the things I wear can feel overwhelming at times (like when I’m running late and still haven’t decided what to wear) but it can provide endless possibilities for creating something new.
I don’t quite think of it as cosplaying but rather think of the narratives as different skillsets or powers that can help me. Do you recall in The Matrix when they upload Kung Fu to Neo’s mind to make him better at fighting? I like to think of uploading confidence in public speaking to my mind when I put on a suit.
Day 3 - Progress Over Perfection
Peep the smiley face on my sock :)
May 22nd, 2024
This one will be short since it’s almost 10PM and I still have my daily blog to attend to. Every day is an internal battle with myself and procrastination of the things I don’t want to do. To be clear, it’s too early on in this habit to know for sure if I like it or not which is why I promised to give it a go for at least 90 days. The main reason why I dread tasks on my to-do list is because I want to do them perfectly and have a mental block that doesn’t let me start the task until I FEEL ready to do them perfectly. Often, I find I put off a task at work simply because I am not 100% sure how to do it and tell myself I must first gather all the tools and knowledge to do it. And even more often, I find that if I just get started, I figure it out along the way or it actually just takes 10 minutes to complete.
We’ve all heard that getting started is the hardest part. “Eat the frog” was my phone wallpaper for a couple months. Does it get any easier? In my experience, not really. But just like repetition of squats makes your legs stronger and in turn makes it easier to push around weight, repetition of this uncomfortable feeling makes it easier to cut through your own BS and take action. It’s a build-up and progression and it most definitely does not have to be perfect.
Also, are these not the perfect shade of blue jeans?!
Day 2 - Unusual Pairings
All black is not my thing so need to add some color to break it up.
May 21st, 2024
The November 1988 Vogue cover stands out as one of the most legendary covers in the magazine’s history. Why? It was the first time jeans were featured. Cerf de Dudzeele paired a $10,000 couture jacket with $50 jeans. Now, I’m not saying that any of the pieces I put together on a regular basis are anywhere near this but I like the contrast of the pairings.
My weekly outfits follow a loose schedule of what to wear each day of the week. The purpose is to diminish your decision fatigue in the morning when choosing an outfit by having a sort of uniform preset. My Tuesday guidelines are to wear a form of trouser (I’ve accumulated quite a few during my quest to “dress for the job you want”). The night before, I picked out what I was going to wear and then packed it up in my backpack to take to the gym the following morning. As I was getting ready to leave today, the handmade clay bead necklace I have on caught my eye and threw it on last minute. I’m not the most crafty and this is not my best work but it reminds me of the nights spent with my girlfriends making jewelry and puts a smile on my face. Is that not the best accessory of all?
Sometimes, the simplest things can create immense value. Whether they are material or intangible, strive for balance. Today wasn’t my finest day and I think my outfit choice reflects how I was feeling. My necklace, although small and silly, was just the contrast I needed.
Day 1 - A 90 Day Commitment
This is my lovely office’s locker room.
May 20th, 2024
Have you ever committed to something for 90 days? I’m sure at some point I have but it’s hard to recall at the moment. Deciding to start this little blog-diary-thing feels odd and quite frankly uncomfortable simply because I’m worried it will “fail”. Realizing that doing something for the heck of it or even for (dare I say it?!) the fun of it is a good enough reason to do it felt better. I spend money on getting shoes for running, getting the right paddles for pickleball, getting all the materials for crafting a necklace; why shouldn’t I spend time and money developing this new hobby?
I had to look up the word “commitment” since I was wildly nervous I would misspell it and the 2 definitions that popped up for me are “the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.” and “an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.” I don’t know about you but the latter sounds mildly depressing.
Committing to 90 days of posting on my silly little website, documenting my silly little outfits that bring me so much joy, studying for my silly little CPA exams, and discovering more of my silly little self during it is what I’ll do. I hope you can do some of the same too.