Day 12 - Practicing Drowning
Even if everything is falling apart, the outfit can still dazzle
July 7th, 2024
I have a horrible fear of drowning. I believe it started when I was 8 or 9 and was learning how to wakeboard which required starting off from an innertube floating in the water that I somehow got stuck on underneath. It’s one of the reasons why I have immense respect for the ocean and why I have deliberately never been on a cruise. Perhaps that’s also due to the countless movies about cruise ships sinking but I digress.
It feels as though an eternity has passed since the last time I sat down and had time to myself to write or simply exist. Between a work trip to LA, a mold infestation in my apartment, my CPA exam, traveling to Seattle, and being heads down for Q2 financial closing of the books at work, today feels like the first breath I’ve been able to take in 3 weeks. Part of me is angry that I agree to put myself through so many of these stressful situations by saying yes to trips and meetings with friends and family. Part of me is frustrated that I’m unable to balance it all gracefully. Part of me is exhausted. Yet part of me does feel grateful to have the means and the time to even attempt to juggle everything. The added ocean of stress has been justified in my mind due to me getting ahead of things so future me doesn’t have to worry as much. I’m holding my breath and doing the mental strengthening to be better and get through each one of these tough days and weeks as practice for…what exactly?
A while back I had written on my stream-of-thoughts-and-ideas notes page that getting through the tough times is like practicing holding your breath underwater. You practice and practice in hopes of getting better but at what point are you merely drowning yourself?
What’s my end goal? More money? More time? More freedom? I thought it was more happiness. For now, I’ll keep practicing but I’ll make sure to take longer breaths in between. And perhaps get a life jacket.
